Trump’s Wall Speech: Time for a High, Beautiful Ceiling, Folks!


It is so great to be here in the great state of Arkansas at the southern border Steel Slats!  (boos) What's that?  Oh Texas, yes, I mean Texas.  Such a great state.  You know what my cabinet calls them?  They are so nice.  They call them Trump Steel Slats! (cheers)

I've been given some bad news, folks.  I've just spoke with our great Homeland Security Head Honcho, Kirstjen Nielsen.  (cheers) Yeah, yeah.  She is a great gal.  A great blonde gal.  Isn't she though.

Anyway, she gave me some bad news.  But first I just want to say, isn't it a great barrier we have created at the southern border!  (cheers)  Isn't it great that we are keeping out all those drugs, and crime, and MS-13.  Heh.  I really duped everyone, didn't I.  I just needed that big tall steel slats built.  (Cheers).  Yeah.  My goodness it is beautiful.  Who would've ever thought that steel slats would be so beautiful.  I should have said we were going to have Mexico build these tall, beautiful steel slats at the border.  Then, I would have been telling the truth.

What's that?  Yeah, only 15 feet high.  But, what do you expect when you only get $900 million?  Right?  (cheers)  Am I right?  All that fake news.  Can you believe they said I was asking for $5.6 billion?  All those cameras you see out there, you know they are making the wall look shorter than it is now.  Such fake news.

So, now that we have the wall built.  I mean - the "steel slats."  We never really wanted a wall, did we.  Gotta be able to see through!

We are keeping out the drugs and the crime.  And the terrorists.  Don't forget the terrorists.  But here is the problem.  As it turns out, most of the terrorists and drugs and people from shithole countries, well it turns out that they come in by air.

But hey, the steel slats have cut down traffic by so much.  Yes, so, so much.  But, now, we are going to need to build a roof over the United States of America.  (cheers).  That's right, folks!  Make America Great Again!

Now we have to build a high roof.  Can you just see it?  Can you imagine those high beautiful ceilings over our country?  Imagine the chandeliers.  Oh, they are going to be beautiful. So, so beautiful.  Yes they are, folks.

What's that?  Oh, our Space Force!  Great people.  Great, great people.  They are doing a great job of keeping out the terrorists.  But, folks, I have talked with them, and they said we need this roof.  We have to listen to our Space Force.  Such great people.  Heroes to our country.

Here is the great thing. We are not going to pay a dime for this ceiling.  That's right folks.  We are not only going to have Mexico pay for it, but Canada, too!  That's right.  That commie socialist neighbor north of us is going to have to cough up a pretty penny, folks.

I have to be honest, though.  I thought we were going to have to let Alaska go.  Alaska is just so big.  So, so big.  But it is beautiful isn't it!  So much beautiful black oil.  Who knew oil could look so beautiful?!  Am I right? (cheers)

But don't worry, we won't need to pay for the ceiling with our beautiful black oil.

But I did come up with a plan.  I am going to make the country that sold us Alaska pay for their roof.  Do you remember who sold us Alaska?  ("No!")  Yeah, yeah, I didn't remember either.

Get this, it was Russia!  Yep.  Russia sold Alaska to us.  Sold it to us for $24 million dollars.  Man, that was a rip off.  But Putin drives a hard bargain, doesn't he?  If I was alive then, I would have told Russia to go suck a Faberge egg.  (cheers)

I would have gotten it for half that.  Alaska is cold.  So, so cold.  That's why barely anyone lives there!  I think it is like 75% Eskimo.

Do you know what a Faberge egg is?  Go to the Google and look it up.  Can't believe they are that expensive.  Melania loves them.  Has her own collection.  Every time I go back to Russia, I bring one home.  Putin forces me to buy them.  Says he's got something on me.

Damn those eggies are expensive.

Just goes to show.  Wait, I love the guy, though.  Even though he has his hands in my pants and wrapped around my... you know.  He calls them my Faberge eggies.  That's why he thinks Melania likes them.  So. so expensive.  (cheers)

Anyway, folks.  We are going to have Mexico, Canada, and Russia pay for our ceiling.  While we are at it, because they are close, we are going to have Greenland pay for it, too.  They can sell some of their ice to get us the money we need.

Anyway, folks.  It has been great to be here at the border again!  (cheers)  Man, those are beautiful steel slats.  (cheers)  You know what would make it look even better?  I just thought of this.  Big lights - "Trump Steel Slats!" (cheers).  Maybe we can get Cuba to pay for that! (cheers)

We love you Oklahoma! (boos!)

Arkansas, I mean.  (boos!)

Most of what I write is political commentary.  This was a digression.  If you like what you read here, be sure to keep up with my at least twice weekly blog posts by signing up for my RSS feed at the bottom of the page.  Additionally, follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

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